I Still Don't Feel at Home

Hey You, I hope you're doing well...

It's been 2,5 years since I lost Paşa, and 1,5 year since I lost Punk.

People often say that time heals.

I don't know if I believe that anymore.

I've tried so many things. I've travelled. I've danced. I've drawn. I've walked through beautiful cities. I've met wonderful people. I've kept myself busy because sitting still with grief can feel unbearable.

But none of those things have given me back what I lost.

There is still an emptiness that follows me everywhere.

More than sadness, it's a feeling of not belonging. As if I no longer have a place that truly feels like home. I can enjoy a moment, laugh at something funny, or get excited about a new idea, and then, almost without warning, that feeling returns.

Something is missing.

Someone is missing.

Actually, two someones.

I don't think people always understand what it means to lose the ones who gave you the purest love you have ever known.

Paşa and Punk were never just part of my life.

They were my home.

When I came back after a difficult day, they were there.

When I felt anxious, they stayed close.

When I couldn't find words, they never expected any.

They made the world feel softer.

Now the world often feels... quieter than it should.

I wish I could say that I've found a way through this grief.

I haven't.

I'm simply learning what it means to live with a heart that has been permanently changed.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.

I don't have an answer.

Maybe I don't need one today.

Today, I just wanted to say that I miss them.

More than I know how to explain.

If you've found this because you're grieving your own furry baby, and you feel like everyone else has moved on while you're still carrying them with you, I want you to know you're not failing.

Love doesn't disappear just because time passes.

And neither does the space left behind.

I hope one day that space hurts a little less.

Until then, I'll keep loving them.

That's something grief can never take away.

Pinny